on my 1st day as a grad student

today i'm thankful for: introducing myself as a graduate student, new university sweatshirts, sailboats fountains and museums from my classroom window, the savvy traveler store, prague on my desktop, my europe fund, refund checks, roosevelt university, my new leather schoolbag, the red wheelbarrow, familiar faces, oreo ice cream for dinner, a roommate to come home to, jack's advice in my poetry notebook, coffee crew on my bookshelf, lucky brand jeans, dreams for the future, hope.

Collide, Howie Day

The dawn is breaking
A light shining through
You're barely waking
And I'm tangled up in you

YeahI'm open, you're closed
Where I follow, you'll go
I worry I won't see your face
Light up again

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills my mind
I somehow find
You and I collide

I'm quiet you know
You make a first impression
I've found I'm scared to know
I'm always on your mind

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the stars refuse to shine
Out of the back you fall in time
I somehow find
You and I collide

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills your mind
You finally find
You and I collide
You finally find
You and I collide

You finally find
You and I collide

"everything is better now that kari is here"

ah such a lovely quote as observed by tyler. and why is everything better now that my best friend of the past 18 years has moved in? well because the family room is cozy ("very tai chi" as tyler said), there is old school nintendo complete with mario bros and duck hunt (both of which tyler kicked my butt in), the movie selection has just about tripled (and apparently kari's movies are all cooler than mine), and most importantly, the pantry and fridge are both stocked full of food.

i have to agree that all these things contribute to the wonderfulness that is having kari for a roommate. but i'd have to add to the list the fabulous artwork that now lives in my apartment, the many dvds of dawson's creek and sex and the city, and simply having someone around when i come home at night. we're both feeling the difficulty of transitioning from college life to post-college life (i just can't call it "real life" cause then it feels like everything before now hasn't been real, when most certainly it has been). having a close old friend around just makes it a little more bearable. most of the time we get together all we do is "hang out" anyway, it's nice that no one has to drive over to just sit around, and doesn't have to drive home when we're tired. we're already home.

the secret to grad school

as i learned from the vice president and dean of roosevelt university tonight:
"there are two secrets to graduate school. one, graduate school is alot easier than undergrad. and two, graduate school is alot harder than undergrad."

my reminder

"A rock does not compare to the strength of You my Lord,
and rivers don't adequately describe the peace You have in store.
May the blood of this sinner come to know You more,
and help me to not ignore the tapping at the door.
I need only You." -divine nature

Christian vegetables and beer don't really mix

i still have 10 days before grad school starts, but tonight was the end of the summer in a way. it was the last night hanging with my pool friends. and our crew has grown smaller and smaller! courtney, marybeth, kari and i went to austin's for a drink (we literally cleaned out our wallets on the one bottle of beer we each bought) and then came back to kari and my apartment (yes, both of ours! kari officially moved in today!) for another drink. we sat around the newly decorated living room and played "don't sink in the sink," my veggie tales board game for kids ages 4-10. (for those of you who don't know, veggie tales is a kids cartoon with Christian values and bible stories acted out by vegetables. marketed for kids, but sometimes i think it's made for not-so-little-kids... like me.) quote of the night by courtney: "yeah, i think Christian vegetables and beer don't really mix" after we bemused how funny the simple game would be to play wasted. haha. but no, two drinks each and we were all definitely sober.

odd to have ended the summer playing such a silly game. but it was fun and relaxing. and then we watched some veggie silly songs and said goodbye to our 6th summer hanging out as adler pool staff. in a few days becca (who was absent this evening!) goes back to her teaching job, courtney moves to depere, wi to start her new teaching job, marybeth returns to college in san diego, i will start grad school, and everyone else is already gone. it's so strange to think of the possibility of summer without adler pool, without this group of people, who not only might never work at the pool again (one does need a "real" job sooner or later... or maybe not a real one, just a new one) but also might not ever live in the same town again. it feels like the end of an era.

it's been a good summer, for sure... grill 21 where after 3 long islands our boss whined "but i'm not ready to leave yet!"; mickey finn's where we met for a drinks before the last night of swim lessons and our staff party; austin's where we won dave matthews tickets; austin's again where our supervisor joined us, had a drink with staff for the first time, and asked us who had been skinny dipping at riverside (the smaller l'ville pool) a few years ago, to which we replied, "a few years ago?" and then told her all our stories; courtney's party where liz, who doesn't drink, poured herself a few too many and insisted during a game of "i never" that she has never been drunk and was not going to put a finger down; the dave concert where i fell down the stairs and scraped my foot, marybeth made out with a guy the whole show, and courtney spent the evening in the bathrooms; tyedying "the top 10 reasons you've worked at adler pool too long" tshirts in my kitchen; watching the cubs game and the olympics at friday's bar, and getting way too excited about the swimming relays; sunday night bowling and making bets on who had to wear pal t penguin (the old nasty pool mascot) next week, even though we brought the suit twice and no one ever wore it...

what a long, strange trip it's been...

a purpose driven God

so these stories stem from several different instances, but they're all connected. and after each instance i thought "i should write this down" and never did. so here it is. my latest evidence that God is good, He is paying attention, and He has me right where He wants me. (something i certainly need to be reminded of often in this uncertain transition period of life!)

last summer i spent 7 wonderful weeks in vienna, austria. definitely the time of my life. but there were struggles in the midst of it all... getting used to a different currencies; calculating the time difference when calling home, and being so far away for so long; not being able to read signs and menus and communicate with everyone clearly; getting lost on the way home because we could understand the german announcements or why the ubahn went back the way it came from when we got off; the hottest summer since the reign of maria theresa (1700's); the night train to venice; eating tough meat; the frighteningly fast cab drivers and them not being sure where 76 elisenstrasse was in the 23rd district... by the end of the 7th week it was bittersweet. excitement for my family, my own bed, driving my car, understanding the language and eating american food... and the knowledge that i had fallen in love with the city and would miss it terribly until i returned.

one of our last few nights i was on the street car home with karen and liz. we were talking, i don't even remember what about, and a woman behind us turned around and said "do i hear people speaking english?" she and her husband were from tennessee, and had been living in vienna running an english speaking non-denominational church for 2 years. she chatted with us about where we were from, what we were doing in europe, what she was doing in europe, the performance she and her quiet husband had just seen. for no apparent reason she showed us the book "The Purpose Driven Life" by Rick Warren. they were handing them out to people at their church and she just went on about what a great book it was and that we should read it. their stopp approached, and they said goodbye, wishing us the best in our last days there and trips home. just after they got off the tram, a black man who had been sitting not far away got up to leave also. he looked back at us just as he descended the steps and said "God bless you".

needless to say, i bought the book as soon as i got home.

i didn't start reading it however until june 20th of this year, almost a whole year after the vienna encounter with God on the street car. it's set up in 40 short chapters, intended to be read a chapter a day for 40 consecutive days. i really wanted to wait until i could commit to reading it everyday before i started (i'm failing at this, by the way...) and so i began. and so God was there.

the whole thing felt applicable in some way or another, but chapters 7-9 God confirmed were just for me at just the times i read them. first the book says "the way you're wired is not an accident". right there in black and white, a reminder of what i already believed: God put certain passions and talents and desires in my heart for a reason. (several chapters alluded to this, but not til chapter 7 did i really grasp it.) chapters 8 and 9 continue this concept by assuring that each person's individual passions are meant for God's glory. to use those passions is to bring Him glory, to worship Him, and God will smile upon that. talk about exactly what i need to hear! try telling people that you're going to graduate school for poetry, watch the reactions, tell me you don't feel just a twinge of doubt now and then.

in the midst of one of these chapters was a quote from the movie "Chariots of Fire" where the main character talks about running as his passion, and how he can't explain it, he just knows he need to run. and when he runs, he can feel God smiling. so lo and behold, i'm at a chapel service at camp fowler in the adirondack mountains of new york (possibly one of the most beautiful places i've ever been!) and the pastor says the exact same quote, the morning after i read it. coincidence? i think more likely God...

the whole service that morning was about having a vision of hope, and basically continued to remind me of all these things i had been reading. that God has a purpose for me, and He stitched and wove the tools for me to achieve His purposes into my heart long before i discovered i had passions for them. if i can touch just one life through my poetry, through my dancing, then that's it! i have done what God placed in me to do. imagine if i can touch many lives? through performing, reading, publishing, editing, working with others, teaching... so what if i don't have a plan for life after grad school. God does. and for now, i know i'm on the right track for it. maybe i'll end up doing a multitude of different things throughout my life. i kind of hope i do. as long as i continue to follow my dreams and passions, God will continue to guide, and bless, and provide...

the happiest place on earth (let's go back...)

Spectromagic

[Adult Voices] On this magic night,
A million stars will play beside us,
Cast a spell of light,
Glimmering, shimmering, carousel-ling
'Round the world tonight,
A symphony in SpectroMagic.
Pure enchantment lights our way!

[Jiminy Cricket]"Welcome to the splendor, the spectacle, the sparkling sensation, where the comedy and thrill of Disney fantasies come to electric life. And now, the Magic Kingdom proudly presents, in a million points of musical light, the magic worlds of Disney...in SpectroMagic!"

[Children's' Voices] Music surrounds us
Laughter that found us
Twirling around this
Carousel of light and laughter!
We shall remember
This moment together
Let this night forever
Live in our dreams!

[All/Adult Voices] On this magic night,
A million stars will play beside us,
A special spell of light,
Glimmering, shimmering, carousel-ling
'Round the world tonight,
A symphony in SpectroMagic.
Pure enchantment lights our way!

[Children's' Voices] Music surrounds us
Magic around us
Twirling around us
Carousel of light and laughter!
Though we say goodbye
We cast a spell that won't be broken
Let this night forever
Live in our dreams!

[Jiminy Cricket] So long! Se ya later!

[All/Adult Voices:]On this magic night,
A million stars will play beside us,
A special spell of light,
Glimmering, shimmering, carousel-ling
'Round the world tonight,
A symphony in SpectroMagic.
Pure enchantment lights our way!

[Jiminy Cricket] So long! I'm Jiminy Cricket...in SpectroMagic!

Wishes

Star light, star bright,
First star I see tonight.
I wish I may, I wish I might,
Have the wish, I wish tonight.

Ohh, a world of wishes,
A world where dreams come true.
So make a wish, see it through.
Dare to do what dreamers do.

Wishes...Dream a dream.
Wishes...Set it free.
Wishes… Trust your heart.
Just believe.
We’re all just children,
Reaching for our dreams.
They’re shining high above us,
And even though it seems so far (so far)
We put our faith and hope on a shooting star.

Ohh...

Star light, star bright,
First star I see tonight.
I wish I may, I wish I might,
Have the wish, I wish tonight.
We’ll make a wish and do as dreamers do.
And all our wishes, (All our wishes)
All our wishes,
Will come, True…

Wishes, wishes.

a writer should never be allowed in a bookstore unattended

and by never be allowed in a bookstore unattended i mean without someone there to provide reason. i should never have been allowed to walk in barnes and noble this afternoon without someone to say: it's ok to buy the softcover instead of the hardcover, it's cheaper; no katie, you don't need another billy collins book; but you already have that mary oliver poem you love in an anthology, you don't need a whole book of her poetry just because you love that poem; don't buy those cs lewis books you've been meaning to read, finish the 5 books you have started and then go to the library; you can just get the small book of maya angelou poems, you don't need the complete collection; you're never going to have that many alcohol options in the house, you don't need "the little black book of cocktails"; you never use your magnetic poetry sets, you don't need a fourth one...

ah but such is life. and so my poetry shelf grows more and more full... i may need to start spilling my poetry over onto the chapbook shelf soon. :)

growing, pains

last night while searching my oh-so-tall rack of cds for something to sleep to (can i just say i am so excited to get my cd case with all my favorites back today after losing it 2 weeks ago in a hope college parking lot?) i pulled out an album by billie myers called "growing, pains". i bought it about 6 years ago for the song "kiss the rain". used to listen to it a lot, mostly to sleep to. never paid much attention to the words of the other songs or anything. but i found a whole new love and respect for it when i opened the cd jacket and discovered that the lyrics aren't listed, but rather poems that inspired the songs. there are some recognizable lyrics within some of the poems, but they by no means follow the song exactly. many of them are short poems. and they are not in the same order as the songs on the album. i let billie's music seep into my soul all night long, and woke up still thinking about these simple poems. a few of my favorites...

A Few Words Too Many

in a room overcrowded by
4 corners
3 chairs
2 people
and 1 burning cigarette, that i didn't light

"i don't love you anymore"
is always a few words too many

First Time

the first time we made love
in your mother's unmade bed,
i felt nothing but feeling,
i noticed nothing but you

the last time we made time
to make love in our own bed
i felt nothing
but i noticed the ceiling needed painting

is that the law of diminishing returns......?

Having Trouble With The Language

...a married man
once told me,
he could never be
unfaithful
to his mistress...

"i don't mean to freak you out, so if you want me to go away, i will"

haha, funniest pickup line ever (see title of this entry). this guy was just kind of dancing next to us at the bar and when he said that i don't think he expected kari to just say "ok" and turn away and keep dancing with the girls. haha. i love my new roomie-to-be. :)

so kari and i went downtown last night to meet up with amy, an old dance friend who is now moving to san diego. two of her college friends were there too, both super sweet. it was fun to just sit around and catch up and have a few drinks and then hop a cab to another bar for some dancing. the atmosphere was so great, i love chicago nightlife. it's the perfect city. much cleaner and safer feeling than nyc. and seeing all the lights driving in on the highway, along lake shore drive where you can see the navy pier ferris wheel and the lake. i just love it. it would be so fun to live in the city for a little while in my young adult, fresh out of college years. for now, i'm grateful for my cheap living situation and the 45 minute drive into the city. (or a quick train ride i suppose if we're willing to drop cab fares every now and then rather than having a d.d. and paying for parking...)

i've decided i'm not really the bargoing type though. i am but i'm not. i love going out with friends, but i'm not all about meeting people at the bars. does that make sense? like, going out at school was a totally different scenario because you go with a group of people, know tons more when you get there. even the people you don't know are your age, from your school, have mutual friends or at least acquaintances... it's just a more comfortable situation. but out at the bars with only a few familiar faces (and no familiar boys!) i always feel like there are sketchy guys around. and i definitely don't want to dance with them. don't really even want to talk to them. i know there's nothing wrong with a little conversation, and i might be missing out on talking to some really interesting people, but i feel like most of the guys out at the bars are just looking to hit on girls and i'm not all about that. i don't think i work that way. i've always dated people i've gotten to know as friends first. some closer friendships than others, but still. i guess i just prefer meeting people through people i already know. so all this said... how does a girl find a quality guy post-hope-college? *sigh*

and all these thoughts stemming from a lame, failed pickup line. enough for now. off to watch more "sex and the city" on dvd (and i wonder where i'm getting my deluded impressions of relationships from...)

when will you realize?

Vienna by Billy Joel

Slow down you crazy child
You're so ambitious for a juvenile
But then if you're so smart tell me why
You are still so afraid?

Where's the fire, what's the hurry about?
You better cool it off before you burn it out
You got so much to do and only
So many hours in a day

But you know that when the truth is told
That you can get what you want
Or you an just get old
You're gonna kick off before you even get halfway through
When will you realize
Vienna waits for you

Slow down you're doing fine
You can't be everything you want to be
Before your time
Although it's so romantic on the borderline tonight

Too bad but it's the life you lead
You're so ahead of yourself
That you forgot what you need
Though you can see when you're wrong
But you know you can't always see when you're right

You got your passion you got your pride
But don't you know only fools are satisfied?
Dream on, but don't imagine they'll all come true
When will you realize
Vienna waits for you

Slow down you crazy child
Take the phone off the hook
And disappeaar for a while
It's alright you can afford to lose a day or two
When will you realize
Vienna waits for you.

things i am thankful for this week

birthday cookies made by my 2 year old nephew, tickets to a wine and cheese party with maya angelou, my mogu pillow (and roomie hugs!), personal phone rings, my happy birthday song at the tgifriday's bar, free dave matthews tickets, mechanical bulls, the dps and our poetry blog, sex and the city on dvd, future roommates, paint shopping, friends who communicate through tap dancing, fuzzy slippers after a long day, my "i've worked at adler pool too long" tye dye tshirt, snail mail, my vienna calendar, doisneau on my cell phone, hope.

happy birthday to me

remember when you were little and anyone older than you seemed so old? first highschoolers seemed way older and cooler than you could ever possibly be. then it was the same with college kids. and now here i am, 22 years old, and i feel this strange juxtaposition of old and not old enough.

i certainly don't feel old enough to be a college graduate, preparing for grad school, thinking about all the bills i have to pay at the end of the month and where i'm going to get the money and what i want to do with my life and where i want to live in a couple of years (why am i still in the midwest again?...) and who i want to be living near and with...

and how strange is this? last year was my 21st. you know, the birthday to end all birthdays, go out and get trashed and sleep through the next day. except i skipped that part. i spent the day with my grandma and my dad bought me a glass of wine for dinner. i didn't even go out with my friends the next day or anything. we just didn't go out. but tonight when i got home from a day at the lake in wisconsin hanging out with my sister, nephews and parents, my friends called me up and we met at tgifriday's for drinks and the cubs game. it was also karoke night so the whole bar sang to me (crawl under a table! or maybe just have another drink...) andra bought me a drink and we had a good time just hangin out. not to mention that last night kari took me out for ben and jerry's, and then courtney, becca and marybeth came over for drinks and tyedye and to wish me a happy birthday at midnight. i think for the first time in a very long i feel really truly and honestly like i fit here.

to top it all off, my parents got me the most thoughtful gift i think they've ever gotten me. two tickets to hear maya angelou speak as she is presented a major award in september. complete with wine and cheese reception afterwards. and of course my favorite roomie will be coming with me! i can't wait. me and my karen s at a wine and cheese reception in chicago talking to maya frickin angelou. dang...

wine and cheese or milk and cookies, doesn't matter. i may be 22, but i refuse to believe i have to be totally grown up.

"one way or another i'm just hoping to find a way to put my feet out in the world" ...counting crows

so the last time i attempted to start an online journal of sorts, it wasn't terribly effective. mostly because i am lazy. but we're going to give it another go. now that i feel i have friends and family scattered about the country, i feel like these things are just one small way of keeping them all a little closer. cause no matter where we are, i carry those i love with me always. checkplus... ;)