*for my Disney crew

almost 2 hours into my reading submissions for the Oyez Review yesterday (we're trying to narrow down 1500+ poems to 20-30 by classtime today... not gonna happen.) i came across a poem with a most fabulous title. unfortunately, the poem wasn't that great, it had nothing to do with the title. but the title was fabulous! :) and i thought of all you...

"28 Waffle Houses from Alabama to Indiana"

after my initial excitement and good laugh over this seemingly common experience, i thought, 28?! only 28?! these people clearly weren't counting very well. didn't we lose track around 96? i know we traveled a little farther, but still... "96+ Waffle Houses from Florida to Michigan". sounds much more accurate. and like a good title for a poem, hm.... (insert smiling mickey face here)

turns out...

i've done my share of traveling, especially over the last few years. and i've fallen in love with alot of places. i'm not exaggerating either, i mean really fallen in love.

quetico provincial park in canada, new york city, the caribbean, michigan beaches, vienna, prague, the alps, disney world, the shawnee national forest, the adirondacks, chicago...

but if there's one thing i've learned in my travels and in my broken hearts of having to leave so many places i've loved it's this:

"turns out not where, but who you're with that really matters..." -dave matthews band

4 months and 24 days later...

i'm officially a college graduate. after all this time, i opened up the mailbox today to find a large white Hope College envelope labeled: diploma, do not bend.

and now it sits leaning against the wall behind my desk in it's black suade mat frame, waiting to be stored away until i have an office to hang it in (next to my green suade mat frame roosevelt mfa degree i'll have someday...) i've never been once to define success by things like a framed diploma on the wall. but when i opened it and framed it today i felt a certain sense of pride, of accomplishment, of excitement. and i wondered exactly why.

sure, i'm proud of the "cum laude" listed under my full name and the fact that when i thought i had just missed the cut-off for graduating with honors, i managed to do it. i'm proud of the "major: english" and "minors: dance, religion" listed on my final transcript. i'm proud of glancing through my final transcript and discovering that maybe i didn't do so badly grade-wise afterall.

but what i'm more proud of... is seeing how many classes i managed to take that i really enjoyed. so many dance and writing classes, piano, photography, classes in vienna... like jack always told me, i did college the way he wished everyone would.

and this framed diploma means so much more to me than the classes, the grades, the academic achievement. it means that while i managed to do all that, pull off decent grades and fill myself with knowledge, i know i didn't spend all my time studying. i know i didn't waste a single second of my college experience. this diploma means spending exam weeks sledding or at the beach (weather depending...) it means countless late night trips to meijer or steak and shake or the beach. it means chapel and gathering, living in the kletz, or the pine grove on a sunny day. it means poetry blitz, potlucks at professors' houses, and classes that became friends outside of class. it means living in the dow/durfee/knick and forgetting to eat lunch/dinner. it means so so so many people that touched and changed my life in so many ways i can't count them... but i know i'll never forget them.

yeah i admit it, sometimes i feel a bit "hopesick". i'm not the only one. i just have to keep remembering what jack told me way back in my first year seminar. "missing is a good thing, it means you have something to miss." and for that, i am grateful. so grateful.

soundtrack

for those of you who thought my life earlier this summer resembled the movie you've got mail... don't worry, i've moved to a different medium of art now. i swear, this new gavin degraw cd (i know, i know, i just won't shut up about it...) IS my life. really. chariot, by gavin degraw. 2 cd bonus set. go buy it. it'll be like having my life in your cd player.

subway

why is it that i step off the subway and start walking toward van buren and jackson, down the street a few blocks to class, and i sigh at the scent of cigarettes? my whole life it made me gag and now it makes me... nostalgic.

reminds me of will, del, drea (and so many other nonsmoking friends!)... of poetry blitz, "breaking into" 4 buildings after hours, phil falling headfirst in the chapel window, attacking lindsay's car with poetry, and ihop at 4am on a school night... of stein night in all its glory, the poets at their usual booth (when they weren't in the middle room standing on tables or sitting on shoulders belting out verse much to the dismay of the brewery employees)... of purposely scheduling the opus reading at 8 on a wednesday so we could head straight from there to the brewery... of parrots (the dirty bird) when it was packed and everyone knew almost everyone in the room... of phil dancing his drunk little heart out... of jack finally making it to a dps meeting, and will actually believing him when he said he'd come to parrots... of kremlin, and crawling into my roommate's bed when i came home at 4am... of free drinks at parrots (always, never bought one there) and not always knowing who they came from... of watching sports scores hand in hand with will on the parrots' tv... of our wild ambitions to campout on jack's lawn... of walking home in the pouring rain... of putting on the same pair of jeans in the morning, realizing how badly they smelled of smokes, and changing with a laugh... of raiding the goodwill box in the kraker lobby and taking a skull and homer simpson to parrots... of wondering how we ended up with 6 steins on the counter in the morning...

and had anyone told me all these would be held among my dearest and most vivid college memories, i never would have believed them. and had anyone told me they would all occur in the month right before and after graduation i wouldn't have believed them either! how terribly fortunate i am. there will forever be a piece of the dps in every drink i have, every cigarette i smell, every poem i write...

more than anyone, gavin degraw

you need a friend
i'll be around
don't let this end
before i see you again
what can i say to convince you
to change your mind
of me?...

if you don't step off the ledge, you might never learn to fly

sometimes it's essential for one to take a risk. i know it's always difficult to become acquainted with someone you don't know. you've heard good things about them, they appear attractive, you like what you've heard... it's taking that plunge. a leap of faith. a risk of your time and energy and money to find out if they're really worth the risk.

what do i have to lose, really? i mean, if he turns out to be a total flop at least i tried. just pass him off to someone else then i guess. and on the upside, he could turn out to be fabulous, the best i've ever known. if i don't take the risk, will i always wonder?

of course, and that's why i stepped off the ledge. reached out of my comfort zone and took a chance. cut a check for $14 and took him home -- gavin degraw, chariot, 2cd bonus set. proof that some risks are worth taking. why download a song or two when for only $14 i am now the proud owner of both a studio album and an acoustic album by a new and upcoming artist. i think gavin and i are going to get along quite well... one cd in the bathroom, one in the car, copies on my laptop (and soon on my ipod in 5-7 business days). definitely a long term love affair. "this is the start of something good, don't you agree?"

literary bliss in 3-5 business days

when i opened the mailbox this evening i found a thin box, crammed in sideways. clearly it was no problem for the mailman to put my package in when the front panel was open, but i had one heck of a time getting the box out! so tightly packed in, i wondered what my gift was. first assumption: my diploma. right, since i'm two weeks into graduate school and still haven't gotten that yet... judging by the label, i knew i was wrong, and at first was disappointed, until i realized what the box was: amazon.com

many thanks to whoever invented such a business. last weekend, late late at night, karen and i went shopping on the internet. spend $25 and shipping is free! so what did we do... spent over $25 naturally. and today i reaped the first of the benefits, two brand new sealed in plastic copies (one for me and one for k) of one of our very favorite books of poetry that until now neither of us owned. picnic, lightning by billy collins.

many many thanks to whoever's brilliant idea it was to create amazon.com. now i have something to read while i anxiously await my myronn hardy poetry purchase! :) (i think my poetry collection is about to spill onto another shelf....)

in august and everything after

it's official: i am obsessed with counting crows.

i don't know what my problem is! i flip through my cd case in the car and all i can settle on is counting crows. today on the way home from michigan i listened to 4 albums. listened to the same stuff on the way up a few days ago. and some of them have the same songs on them. didn't matter, i can't get enough.

what's the attraction you may ask? besides the combination of the sax and trumpet in chelsea, the acoustic versions of mr jones, round here and piano accompaniment of anna begins... counting crows has a style they refuse to stray from. i hate bands that change and mold to fit the times. dc talk went from hip hop to alternative. jewel went from folk to pop. i can't stand that! the crows have distinctly held on to their art form. i admire that. every album they record in a big house in california where they live while recording. how cool is that? and of course, being the poet that i am, i am in love with the lyrics...

...step out the front door like a ghost into the fog where no one notices the contrast of white on white...

...she walks along the edge of where the ocean meets the land just like she's walking on a wire in the circus...

...would you catch me if i was falling, would you kiss me if i was leaving, would you hold me cause i'm lonely without you?...

...this time when kindness falls like rain it washes me away, and anna begins to change my mind, and everytime she sneezes i believe it's love and oh lord, i'm not ready for this sort of thing...

...i wanted to see you walking backwards and get the sensation of you coming home, i wanted to see you walking away from me without the sensation of you leaving me alone...

...i wanted the ocean to cover over me, i wanna sink slowly without getting wet, maybe someday i won't be so lonely, and i'll walk on water every chance i get...

...i'm almost drowning in her sea, she's nearly crawling on her knees, it's almost everything i need...

...love is a ghost train howling on the radio, 'remember everything', she says, 'when only memory remains'...

...and i don't get no answers, and i don't get no change, it's raining in baltimore baby, but everything else is the same...

...in august and everything after, i'm after everything...

...she wants to be just like me, i want every damn thing i see, one day you're daddy's little angel, the next you're everything he wanted you to be, they dress you up in white satin and they give you your very own pair of wings...

...i hope that everybody can find a little flame, me, i say my prayers and i just light myself on fire and walk out on the wire once again...

...i guess the winter makes you laugh a little slower, makes you talk a little lower about the things you could not show her...

...'i gotta rush away,' she said, 'i've been to boston before, and anyways this change i've been feeling doesn't make the rain fall.' no big differences these days, just the same old walkaways, someday i'm gonna stay, but not today...

...if everything is nothing then are we anything, is it better to be better than to be anything?...

...or we could simply pack our bags and catch a plane to barcelona cause this city's a drag, i may take a holiday in spain, leave my wings behind me, drink my worries down the drain and fly away to somewhere new...

...is anything different these days, the light in her eyes goes out, i never had light in my eyes anyway, maybe things are different these days...

...i never go to new york city these days, something about the buildings in chelsea that kills me, maybe in a month or two, maybe when things are different for me, maybe when things are different for you, and all of this shit just sticks in my head...

...if dreams are like movies then memories are films about ghosts...

…but i don’t mind the dark discovering the day, cause the night is a beautiful bright blue and gray…

…what brings me down now is love, cause i can never get enough…

...if i could make it rain today, and wash away this sunny day down to the gutter i would, just to get a change of pace, things are getting worse but i feel alot better and that's all that really matters to me...

...there has to be a change i'm sure, today was just a day fading into another, and that's can't be what a life is for...

...one way or another i'm just hoping to find a way to get my feet out in the world...

...i'm thinking about taking some time, thinking about leaving soon, thinking about leaving tomorrow, thinking about being on my own, i think i've been wasting my time, i'm thinking about getting out...

...and i keep thinking tomorrow is coming today, so i am endlessly waiting...

on holiday

a labor day weekend to be grateful for...

*still feeling at home on hope's campus
*divine nature in concert, a new cd, and free quizno's dinner with o staff and the band
*andrew j saying, "look at her, she's a graduate student," and then hugging me and telling me he's so proud of me
*captain sundae :)
*BTP (and that other kid)
*orlando bloom and brad pitt in troy, on the big screen, for free, with popcorn and a diet pepsi
*gifts from vienna and my austria bumper sticker
*my picture still being on the dance bulletin board in the dow
*running into a million friends
*k's porch
*late night phone calls to willie
*my bestest roomie ever
*counting crows sleep mix
*copious amounts of dessert and coffee
*creating letterheads in the sac office for k's homework
*the gathering and chapel
*sitting in the peale/vanderplex circle catching up with k
*God having a sense of humor (even if we don't always find Him funny)
*swimming and sauna in the dow
*remembering disney world and when "after 6 hours in the car, everything is funny"
*making it to the kletz just before the rainstorm
*the dps being in the holland sentinel
*visiting cap'n jack in the dungeon
*hanging out on the futon in wal-mart to look at pictures
*learning that a 10 cent pop can refund can get a person .57 miles closer to vienna
*conversations sitting outside the chapel listening to the worship team inside
*tears of love
*meeting my hug quota

instead of clogging up your email inboxes...

1: Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, find line 4. Write down what it says: "the artist's life is frustrating not because the passage is slow, but because he imagines it to be fast" *from art and fear by david bayles and ted orland (ok, i cheated, the 4th line was lame and this one was underlined...)
2: Stretch your left arm out as far as you can. What can you touch? i can't really stretch it, there are blinds and a window about two inches from my left shoulder
3: What is the last thing you watched on TV?: most extreme challenge on spike tv... we had to cheer up after the very upsetting sex and the city episode where carrie and aiden broke up.
4: WITHOUT LOOKING, guess what the time is: 2:55am
5: Now look at the clock, what is the actual time?: 2:59am on one clock, 3:09am on the other
6: With the exception of the computer, what can you hear?: the fan on the wall a/c unit
7: When did you last step outside? what were you doing?: when i came inside after a long day of homework and class in the city.
8: before you came to this website, what did you look at?: other people's blogs (one of which i stole this silly survey from cause i can't sleep and i'm bored.)
9: what are you wearing?: sam i am boxer shorts and a red h&m tank top from vienna
10: Did you dream last night? i had a really weird dream recently, but i think it was a few days ago and now i can't remember it...
11: When did you last laugh? watching most extreme challenge with kari tonight
12: what is on the walls of the room you are in?: my homemade europe calendar, a french memo board loaded with pictures and ticket stubs and quotes, kari's vangogh calendar, one of kari's wax paintings and a tapestry from urban outfitters
13: Seen anything weird lately?: i go to school in chicago. i see weird things all the time.
14: What do you think of this quiz?: it's alright. i'd rather be sleeping though.
15: What is the last film you saw?: uh... does 101 dalmatians with my 2 year old nephew count?
16: If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy first?: a plane ticket to europe. who am i kidding, i'd buy a house there, THEN a plane ticket.
17: Tell me something about you that I don't know: i hate silence. i need background noise... talking, music, tv, anything. i just hate silence.
18: If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics, what would you do?: i hate to say 'world peace' cause that's so cliche... i guess more world tolerance would be the way to put it.
19: Do you like to dance?: love to.
20: George Bush: should start calling all his plans and policies what they actually are instead of trying to make it all sound good.
21: Imagine your first child is a girl, what do you call her?: step one=find boyfriend
22: Imagine your first child is a boy, what do you call him?: again, step one=find boyfriend
23: Would you ever consider living abroad?: how about every summer for the rest of my life when i become a professor and teach study abroad programs in the summer!

insomnia

2:30am and for the 2nd night in a row i've gotten out of bed and gone back to the computer cause i can't sleep. what's my problem? why can't i just start a normal sleeping schedule? i hit the snooze for anywhere between and hour and two hours every morning, but i can't ever manage to go to sleep before 3am. i lay there for at least an hour, often more, staring into the blackness that is my room (which my eyes quickly adjust to and it becomes a rather lime green glow thanks to my stereo) thinking, and imagining, and dreaming and basically just NOT SLEEPING. oy vey...

and am i on a roller coaster here or what? please keep your hands and arms inside the car until the ride has come to a complete stop. push down, then pull up on the harness and exit to your left. thank you for riding the shockwave and enjoy the rest of your day here at six flags great america...

the roller coaster that is my life: i hate chicago, the traffic sucks. i love the el, i love the city, i love chicago. i hate commuting, why don't i just live in the city. i love my apartment, it's spacious and cute and my roommate is fabulous and my fridge is full and my sex and the city dvds are abundant. i can't wait for class to start so i have homework to occupy my time. i don't want to get a job because i don't want anything else to occupy my time. i want to work at the pool this weekend, i need the money and i'm going to miss this job when it's over. i hate the pool, it should have been closed a long time ago, and i do not want to go in this weekend. it'll be good to be home alone all weekend, i'll get my homework done, work, relax, scrapbook, shop. i can't stand to be in this town any longer or be home by myself all weekend i have to find subs for work and get out of here as fast as i can cause if it rains and i'm sitting here all alone i'll go crazy. it's nice to be single and not have to worry about anyone else or anything else and to just do my own thing. does anything really mean anything without someone to share it with because all i want is that hit-by-a-semitruck-kind-of-love. i'm going to get up early, work out, eat lunch, shower, go put air in my bike tires, do homework outside on the lawn, relax, enjoy the friday. i'm not setting the alarm, i'm going to the pool to find subs for the weekend and getting out of here. i love grad school and am so 100% sure i'm in the right place and that God is behind me. i hate being so far away from my friends and why am i in this place when they are all (mostly) in the same place and i'm not there.

uggh. and i wonder why i can't sleep.

(disclaimer: while i had to vent on this little roller coaster list, in all honesty, i DO love chicago and i DO love grad school and i AM sure i'm in the right place.)

have a hit by an armored personal carrier day

someday we'll know if love can move a mountain
someday we'll know why the sky is blue
someday we'll know why i wasn't meant for you

someday we'll know why samson loved delilah
someday we'll go dancing on the moon
someday we'll know that i was the one for you

-new radicals-