the future is no place...

i feel a dave matthews lyrics tribute coming on soon, much like the earlier counting crows lyrics tribute i posted. in the meantime, i forgot how much i loved this song...

Cry Freedom, by Dave Matthews

How can I turn away
Brother/Sister go dancing
Through my head
Human as to human
The future is no place
To place your better days

Cry freedom cry
From a crowd 10,000 wide
Hope laid upon hope
That this crowd will not subside
Let this flag burn to dust
And a new a fair design be raised
While we wait head in hands
Hands in prayer
And fall into a dreamless sleep again
And we wave our hands

Hands and feet are all alike
But gold between divide us
Hands and feet are all alike
But fear between divide us
All slip away

There was a window and by it stood
A mirror in which
He could see himself
He thought of something
Something he had never had but hoped would come along
Cry freedom, cry
From deep inside
Where we are all confined
While we wave hands in fire
Wave our hands

Hands and feet are all alike
But gold between divide us
Hands and feet are all alike
But fear between divide us,
Slip away
In this room stood a little child
And in this room this little child
She would remain
Until someone might decide
To dance this little child
Across this hall
Into a cold, dark, space
Where she might never trace her way across this crooked mile
Across this crooked page
Cry freedom, cry
From deep inside where
We are all confined
Till we wave our hands

How can I turn away
Brother/Sister go dancing
Through my head
Human as to human
The future is no place
To place your better days

Hands and feet are all alike
But gold between divide us
Hands and feet are all alike
But fear between divide us
Hands and feet are all alike

Hear what I say
Hear what I say
Oh, so be it
How can I turn away
Brother/Sister go dancing
Through my head
Human as to human
The future is no place
To place your better days

detour

so the other night i strayed from the usual pile of books by my bed and pulled a little naomi nye off the shelf. good choice. found this. all this talk of regret, the wrong road... set me thinking. is there a wrong road? or does it all eventually lead back around, give you another chance? and what if you're on the wrong road and it's not your fault? what if someone else's wrong road directly affects yours? i have no answers. prolly never will. but i love the poem. and sometimes, i just like to drive...

Kansas, by Naomi Shihab Nye

Driving across the center of Kansas
at midnight, we're talking about
all our regrets, the ones we didn't marry,
who married each other, who aren't happy,
who should have married us.
Ah, it's a tough world, you say,
taking the wrong road.
Signposts appear and vanish, ghostly,
ALTERNATE 74.
I'm not aware it's the wrong road,
I don't live here,
this is the flattest night in the world
and I just arrived.
Grain elevators startle us,
dark monuments
rimmed by light.
Later you pull over
and put your head on the wheel.
I'm lost, you moan. I have no idea where we are.
I pat your arm.
It's alright, I say.
Surely there's a turn-off up here somewhere.
My voice amazes me,
coming out of the silence,
a lit spoon,
here,
swallow this.

too good

amazing that even after cleaning out alot of my old crap all summer, i still feel like i have too much stuff. however, i did manage to consolidate my 3 home bookshelves and 2 school bookshelves. I have a tall bookshelf in my room, a small one on my desk, and a crate behind my desk with old binders. My favorite shelves?... the poetry ones of course! I have a whole shelf of poetry books and a whole shelf of chapbooks from my advanced classes at hope.

however, some books are just too good to ever make it to the shelves. yes, i have a small pile sitting on the floor by my bed. some books rotate in and out of the pile, but there are a few that haven't left the floor since i reorganized. in case you all were interested, or looking for a good read, i thought i'd share them. (unfortunately for you, some of them are out of print...) ;)

-Student Life Application Bible (of course)
-My Kairos notebook and envelope
-A Purpose Driven Life, Rick Warren
-The Same Ghost, Jack Ridl
-Sailing Alone Around The Room, Billy Collins
-foreign country, ocean, kitchen floor, karen maria schuen
-Redeeming Thursdays, Kyle Delhagen
-Approaching the Center, Myronn Hardy
-Little Low Heaven, Anthony Butts

so there ya have it. my shopping recommendations for you, as well as a little insight into my nightly activities. speaking of....

survey says...

that you should copy/paste this into your own blog and fill it out too :)

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE ME: natural disasters, being alone, and never being able to pay back my stupid loans!
THREE PEOPLE WHO MAKE ME LAUGH: my adorable nephews, courtney lynne, and andrew j (among other people, i just picked the top 3 i could think of)
THREE THINGS I LOVE: the dps, pictures, and ice cream
THREE THINGS I HATE: stupid people, money, and frostbite
THREE THINGS I DON'T UNDERSTAND: politics, love, and God
THREE THINGS I WANT TO DO BEFORE I DIE: travel to all 50 states and all over europe (the rest of the continents would be fine too), publish books of my poetry, love as deeply as i can
THREE THINGS I CAN DO: roll my tongue into 3, bend the top knuckle of all my fingers without bending the bottoms ones, and create organized clutter
THREE WAYS TO DESCRIBE MY PERSONALITY: laid-back, optimistic and INFP
THREE THINGS I CAN'T DO: predict the future, prevent change, and study diligently
THREE THINGS I THINK YOU SHOULD LISTEN TO: counting crows, God, and me :)
THREE THINGS I SAY THE MOST: super, dude, and so...
THREE OF YOUR ABSOLUTE FAVORITE FOODS: mashed potatoes, belgian waffles w/strawberries and whipped cream, and milk chocolate anything
THREE THINGS I'D LIKE TO LEARN: to play guitar, to be patient and truly live for each moment, and to salsa
THREE SHOWS YOU WATCHED WHEN YOU WERE A KID: fraggle rock, snoopy, and care bears

DESCRIBE (YOUR..)

[ x ] Wallet – brown leather with leopard print on the inside flap
[ x ] Toothbrush – colgate, white with blue and green
[ x ] Jewelry worn daily – a silver cross necklace, a claddaugh ring with green malachite, my hope ring, and my mom's ring with hers and my siblings birthstones
[ x ] Sunglasses – tan square shaped with a rhinestone palm tree on them (yeah jc penney)
[ x ] Underwear – victoria's secret. at least 30 pair (i know this cause i can go over a month without doing laundry)
[ x ] Favorite shirt – lately my brown roosevelt hoodie
[ x ] Cologne/Perfume – estee lauder pleasures
[ x ] CD in your stereo - gavin degraw, chariot
[ x ] Tattoos – none, too scared of needles
[ x ] Piercings – two in each ear
[ x ] Head, on the inside of it – uh, what? well there a skull, and a brain...
[ x ] Mindset, philosophy in life – "life is an adventure, and the sooner we realize that, the quicker we will be able to treat life as art." -maya angelou
[ x ] Wishes – that word just makes me think of the fireworks at magic kingdom in disney world, happiest place on earth. i wish the world could feel as happy and carefree all the time as i felt enjoying those fireworks with my best friends this summer...
[ x ] Doing after this – movie for class, scrapbook, read, sleep
[ x ] Fetishes – cuddling, coffee, the sound of rain...
[ x ] What you would murder for if you could get away with it – i tried to think of a clever thing, not a person, to answer this question with. but i can't think of anything. all i can think of is that scene in Office Space when they take the printer from work and destroy it in the field.
[ x ] A person you wish you could see right now - there are alot of people i wish i could see right now, but i'll plead the 5th thanks...
[ x ] Some of your favorite movies – dead poets society, office space, empire records, chicago, moulin rouge, romeo & juliet, shawshank redemption, the notebook
[ x ] Something you're looking forward to in the upcoming month – footprints' 10th annual tap jam!
[ x ] Something that you are deathly afraid of – i'm afraid of alot of things, didn't we kind of already cover this?
[ x ] Do you like the taste of blood – um, no.
[ x ] Do you believe in love – do i ever
[ x ] Do you believe in soul mates – sure do. not in that "one perfect person..." sense. but in that knowing you and another (friend or otherwise) are somehow bound by a much greater force.
[ x ] Do you believe in love at first sight – i'm enough of a romantic that i'd like to, but no.
[ x ] Do you believe in Heaven – yes
[ x ] Do you believe in God – absolutely
[ x ] Who is your worst enemy – my alarm clock
[ x ] If you could have any animal for a pet – i just want a dog. a big cuddly cozy dog.
[ x ] What are some of your favorite candies – frango mints, ritter sport bars, turtles, snickers...
[ x ] What's something that you wish people would understand – some things really are just NOT as big a deal as they make them. just let it go, deal with it, enjoy what you can.
[ x ] What's something you wish you could understand better – why some people are so trivial.

i'm addicted to writing with ellipsis (...)

do you ever feel like the music you're listening to is actually a soundtrack to your life? like, if you were in a movie, that song would be playing at just that moment? i feel like that alot lately while driving, or on the el listening to the ipod. weird...

anyway, it was a crazy few days in holland with the dps. so good to everyone. that's what i miss. all of us sitting around a few tables and a couple of pitchers at skiles, watching the redsox beat the yankees. causing trouble around holland. calling our poetry prof from the brewery....

i could recount the whole reunion, but the people who would really care about the details were there. instead, i'll share what i wrote on wednesday afternoon. i've been so frustrated lately that i haven't been able to write anything since july. i think spending so much time reading poetry for my literary magazine class and thinking about and discussing what makes a "good poem" had my standards so high i couldn't write. but thanks to my dear friend kyle delhagen insisting that i have a poem to share with the other poets on wednesday night, i sucked it up and with the assistance of some jp's coffee and some counting crows on the ipod i managed to write the poem that's been dangling in front of my face for months and have been unable to catch...

Full (or, Still Life)

...and still we are not touching,

like things in a poorly done still life,

where the knife appears to be floating over the plate

which is itself hovering over the table somehow...

-Billy Collins

And in that space between silverward and linoleum floor tiles,

I trace the grain of oak and finger the fraying

edge of holiday placemats, red and green

thread crawling toward me. I light

two cappuccino centerpiece candles (broken

wick on the third); eye

the phone (never rings).

Even flames appear still

against the background of

an empty chair. Through curtainless

glass panes, the last yellow leaf falls.

amy hit the atmosphere...counting crows

if i could make it rain today
and wash away this sunny day down to the gutter
i would
just to get a change of pace
things are getting worse but i feel alot better
and that's all that really matters to me

amy hit the atmosphere
caught herself a rocket ride out of this gutter
and she's never coming back, i fear
but any time it rains,
she just feels alot better
and that's all that really matters to me

we've waited so long for someone to take us back home
it just takes so long
and meanwhile the days go drifting away
and some of us sink like a stone
waiting for mothers to come

there has to be a change, i'm sure
today was just a day fading into another
and that can't be what a life is for
the only thing she said was she feels alot better
and that's all that really matters to me

"Aunt Katie" 8 times over

today i'm thankful for my nieces and nephews. having been an aunt since the age of 3, i really can't imagine life without them...

i'm thankful for alex, my 19 year old nephew who maybe come off as rebellious, but actually has a decent head on his shoulders (complete with blue mohawk) and a strong mind of his own. thankful for many memories of sleepovers, nintendo, playing teenage mutant ninja turtles and transformers, and that after all these years we can still talk and relate. then about cartoons, now about politics.

i'm thankful for patrick, my almost 16 year old nephew who went and grew up on me, for his intelligence and his clear head and his sincere concern for his brother and sister and appreciation for his extended family.

i'm thankful for elaina, my first niece, who just turned 10, and for the obligatory "what are those girls up to now?" photo of us taken at every family holiday.

i'm thankful for creighton, age 8 with a heart too big for his body, for his evident love for his family and for Jesus, and for his performing instincts.

i'm thankful for caed, my first Godchild, now 6 years old, who is a superhero (batman, superman, gijoe, a mix of several depending on the day...) and who painted a ceramic cross for his aunt katie while his sister and brother made theirs for mom and dad.

i'm thankful for alanna, my second Godchild who is almost 5 and who warms up to me instantly every time even though i've only met her on four or so occasions. for her outgoing and loving spirit and for watching 101 dalmatians in the blow up chair this summer.

i'm thankful for joshua, 2 and a half and my third Godchild. for his squeezes and mooches, bedtime prayers, the fraggle rock book he gave me, him always wanting to stop by my apartment, and for taking me to visit "a bear and a moose" (aka, bass pro shops outdoor world).

i'm thankful for sean who is just over a year old and who tries to copy his brother on everything. for his mouth wide open grins that you just can't resist, no matter how much trouble he should be in, and for the way he tries to tackle the dogs.

almost a twenty year span from the oldest to the youngest. and i'm only 22! some people think because i'm the youngest by such a span that i must be somewhat like an only child, maybe even get lonely sometimes. nope. i think i got the best deal of all. lots of space at home to myself, great older siblings, and great younger nieces and nephews! yep, i think i got the greatest deal of all.

"my gas light has gone on before, it's never been a problem..."

yes, my sister was right. that was the perfect title for this post. i actually said that to her the other day on the phone. why? oh because i was sitting on the shoulder of the highway for about an hour, literally one mile away from the Mobil oasis. i can usually drive a good 15-20 minutes at least with the gas light on. i've never run out. locked my keys in my car more than a few times, even gotten a few flat tires (some my fault, some not), but i've never run out of gas. until thursday.

all i can say is damn allstate motor club and thank God for a 2nd family. this is the 2nd time i've had car trouble when allstate motor club could not help me. (the first being a flat tire on the way home for christmas break sophomore year, when i and my two passenger friends ended up scaling a barbed wire fence and knocking on a random door for a phone book.) after giving all my information twice and being on hold for 15 minutes i was told no one in my area could help, they were all either busy or didn't service the interstate (really? how could a car service NOT service the interstate? that's where the cars are, that's where people need the most help. fools...) but they would reimburse me for any charges i might incur. like, do they think i have a phone book in my car for such occasions? maybe i should start keeping one there, geez.

so i called my friend courtney's parents. courtney now lives in green bay, wi. but her parents are a mere 2 minute drive from me. after saying hello to her mom, asking a large favor, and telling her where i was, she passed the phone to courtney's dad. he answered: "hello second daughter. where are you." i laughed. and thankfully, a half hour later he showed up with a can of gas, a smile, a hug, and an offer for pea soup (random, but nice. i declined. no peas for me thanks, ick!)

possibly the best part about the fiasco was that when i called to tell courtney her dad saved the day, she laughed and filled me in on an interesting tidbit. it seems earlier the same day her dad got a call from a car service company in madison. our friend adam put him down as a reference and they were doing a background check. courtney moved away and he gained a son and a daughter. ha :)

new favorite word = ugh.

no one ever comments, damn it! how do other people have blogs where every entry has comments, and some have like 15?! do people read this thing?...

(ok A#1 i realize this is a pathetic plea for comments. B#2 i realize i only comment on other people's blogs occasionally even though i check them all everyday. i promise if you comment on mine i will comment on yours. cross my heart.)

a little gavin degraw action for the day

When my pass came in, you dropped the ball
It didn't change the way I feel
And I was wishing I'd break down your walls
The kiss will know if the lips stay still

There is a line I crossed
And when you missed I lost
I'm not a loser
You know that I'll be back again

My dear, I went for the steal
Maybe it was rushed
Oh, my crush,
I've got a crush

I suppose that I could hold it in
But you excite my every cell
Sources say that senses are your friends
My senses say that I should tell

You that I"m not ashamed
You might just feel the same
But have to try it
If you're ever really going to know

My dear, I went for the steal
Maybe it was rushed
Oh, my crush,
I've got a crush

I want to
I need to
I have to
Have you
You're so much to touch
You're too much
And I can't control it--
You've got me all over the road

My dear, I went for the steal
Maybe it was rushed
Oh, my crush
Damaging my soul
You blew me off, but I don't mind
I just get better with time
And so do you
So do you
My crush

"someone's bored on the el"

yep, it's true. the words spoken by dan morrison are true, and that "bored on the el" someone is me. reminiscent of my morning commutes in vienna, i've made a habit of dozing off on public transportation. (which results in some very unhappy contact lenses come chicago...) so i caved.

after at least a year of debate (maybe more) i finally gave in. today, for the first time, i experienced what molly so appropriately described as a "paradigm shift, apple style". i gave into the mp3 craze known as the ipod. my previous hesitations? well cost, of course. but after three weeks of no thanks to ebay, i gave into that also. (next time i want to buy something on ebay, remind me impulse buys are bad. my purchase which cost me $100 less than full price was lacking cables and ports and would have ended up costing MORE than full price when all was said and done.) other previous hesitations: articism (is that a word? it should be.)

you might say i'm a bit of a freak about buying cds. my 250 cd rack is just about full. (which might not sound like a ton, but considering everytime it gets close to full i clean it out and try to get rid of some... it's alot.) pretty much all my burned cds are mixes, i rarely burn an entire album for myself. i like to own it as the artist intended. not only do i want to appreciate the music, but the cover, the patterns, the colors, the fonts, the photos, the lyrics (of course the poet it me has to have the jacket with the lyrics!)... i like to stick my concert ticket stubs in the back covers of the cd. (maybe that's why i like going to concerts so much, i feel like the live performance completes the artistic package: music, visual, performance...)

at any rate, i'm determined not to let my love of itunes on my laptop and ipod in my schoolbag replace my love of cds. i still have stereos in my room, my bathroom and my car, as well as a discman in the drawer just in case. sometimes i just crave a particular artist, an album, a combination of songs... (this entry is straying from it's original intent--praise of my new toy.)

today i officially sold the 2nd generation ipod without a dock connector on ebay (you know, the one i purchased on ebay and received on september 21st and have been staring at and unable to use ever since!) only hours after completing the sale, i went and bought myself a brand spanking new ipod mini. it's small, sleek, sexy, lime green goodness. no joke, it's slightly smaller than my cell phone (which fits even in the pocket of my tightest jeans.) i'm stoked. i have never been so excited to take the el. tomorrow is going to be a happy tuesday.

i'm a left lane driver

as i made the 3 hour drive from holland to libertyville tonight in the dark (thank God it was shorter than my 5.5 hour drive out there two days ago!) i realized something--i never drive in the far right lane. ever. occasionally i drive in the middle, but usually only when i know my exit is approaching or when the car behind me is riding so close it's making me nervous (or blinding me with his lights). otherwise, i drive in the left lane. why? cause when i'm driving, i'm in a rush.

i don't like being in between. i love to travel, but i wish i could teleport myself from one place to the next instantly. and i'm more tolerant of traveling when i'm on my way to somewhere exciting. but traveling home, i just want to get there. if i have to leave a vacation, i don't want to prolong the agony of goodbye. i just want to be home.

as i was thinking about this driving quirk of mine, i realized, it's more of a life quirk, really. i'm at an inbetween phase of my life. grad school doesn't feel like the next phase of my life, maybe someday it will. but right now, it feels like the transistion between college and my dream job. like i'm stuck between childhood and the rest-of-my-life. on the phone with courtney the other day, she pointed out that sometimes she forgets i'm still at home and not back in holland. because she is back in depere (though working now instead of going to school) she feels like everyone is back where they should be. i feel like that too. like everyone left at the end of the summer and went back to where they should be, like my closest friends are still in holland, and like i'm stuck in between. life at hope and in holland is going on ahead without me and sometimes i just feel left out. i know i'm where i'm supposed to be--going to grad school, at roosevelt--but sometimes i just feel stuck in the right lane too long between cities. i know what i've left behind, and i have some vague idea of what i'm driving toward. i just don't know where exactly it is, or how long i'll be stuck in traffic, or who will greet me when i arrive...

duh...

in my list of reasons i like my job, i forgot the single most important point:

my boss's son (who is in his mid-twenties and comes in once or twice a week to do various things for his mom, and whom i helped assemble massive amounts of new ikea furniture) is incredibly hot.

who knew an office job could be cool?

i'm officially in my third week working as an administrative assistant for "Real Property Pros", an independent real estate broker. there are only 5 agents with the company, most of whom don't come in very regularly. and this is why my job is cool...

*i usually let myself in a few minutes after 9, no one to tell me i'm late, unforward the phone and turn on the coffeepot
*by 10 i'm done with my coffee and biscotti, checking my email, choosing a radio station or cd... (ok, i'm not a total slacker. i always look at my pile of work first to make sure there's nothing urgent, and i do work interspersed with this relaxing start to my day)
*in response to the toilet seat being up the other day, my boss said to me (and mostly to herself) "this is a woman's office"
*full time pay with part time flexible hours
*i get paid to do things like stain furniture, paint shelves, make coffee
*we have a lazy boy leather recliner sofa
*my boss told her daughter on the phone the other day, "no one else is here. just me and katie. katie doesn't count, she's like one of us, she's like family"
*conversations with janet and jawaid about europe, family, donuts, stupid computers, decorating, etc
*more money in one paycheck of part time than i got in two paychecks of full time at the pool
*often being alone in the office for a low stress work day
*having enough various odd jobs that i don't get bored
*diet coke in the fridge. always.

grace

lately i'm thankful for...

random IMs from people i didn't know read my away messages... visiting my childhood camp and still knowing my way around all the trails... driving down a tree lined highway in fall... being a quote lover... finding the european countryside in chicago... blues music on the street corner... caffe carmelatta from 'rain dog cafe'... a job that includes coffee and biscotti from the break room every morning... weekend plans... blogs... friendships that connect over many miles... not needing to think cause i'm a poet... prague on my cell phone... the alps on my desk... vienna in my heart... and the hope of bone-deep love.

Foxtrot

the picture is kinda small, and i can't figure out how to enlarge it without distorting it... so i typed up the captions frame by frame. gotta love comics on my msn homepage :)

1: this will be a 51 yard field goal attempt
2: vanpelt to hold, brown to kick, here's the snap
3: and vanpelt pulls the ball away at the last second!

4: brown kicks nothing but air! he's flat on his back!
5: vanpelt is laughing! the game is over! what an ending!
6: "i guess the snoopy blimps were just the beginning"; today's nfl coverage has been brought to you by metlife...

gone too soon

can you tell i'm nostalgic lately? ah, the life of a poet...

on the train ride to the city today i was looking out the window and for awhile the flat land reminded me somehow of the european countryside. the train to venice, the bus to prague... it's one of my most vivid memories. i spent 7 weeks in europe, and one of my most vivid memories is traveling from place to place listening to norah jones. funny how we associate certain music with certain events. i will forever link the two. and so today i relived those little moments; not so much the moments, but the feeling, as i sang norah in my head...

"waited til i saw the sun, don't know why i didn't come..."

"spinning, laughing, dancing to her favorite song, a little girl with nothing wrong is all alone"

"i look around awhile for something lost, maybe i'll find it in the end, and i'm feeling the same way all over again"

"i wanna wake up with the rain falling on a tin roof"

"how far you are i just don't know, the distance i'm willing to go"

"if i were a painter and could paint a memory, i'd climb inside the swirling skies to be with you"

"one flight down, there's a song on low, and it's been there playing all along, now you know, now you know"

"with no reprise the sun will rise, the long day is over"

"summer days are gone too soon, you shoot the moon and miss completely"