1 song, repeat, el ride home, snow

I drink good coffee every morning
Comes from a place that's far away
And when I'm done I feel like talking
Without you here there is less to say
I don't want you thinking I'm unhappy
What is closer to the truth
That if I lived till I was 102
I just don't think I'll ever get over you

I'm no longer moved to drink strong whiskey
'Cause I shook the hand of time and I knew
That if I lived till I could no longer climb my stairs
I just don't think I'll ever get over you

Your face it dances and it haunts me
Your laughter's still ringing in my ears
I still find pieces of your presence here
Even after all these years

But I don't want you thinking
I don't get asked to dinner
'Cause I'm here to say that I sometimes do
Even though I may soon feel the touch of love
I just don't think I'll ever get over you

If I lived till I was 102
I just don't think I'll ever get over you

(colin hay--garden state soundtrack)

jealousy will drive you mad

in honor of my Baz Luhrmann paper and recent reobsession with his films, particularly Moulin Rouge...
el tango de Roxanne

Roxanne You don't have to put on that red light
Walk the streets for money
You don't care if it's wrong or if it is right
Roxanne You don't have to wear that dress tonight
Roxanne You don't have to sell your body to the night

His eyes upon your face
His hand upon your hand
His lips caress your skin
It's more than I can stand

(Roxanne) Why does my heart cry?
(Roxanne) Feelings I can't fight
You're free to leave me, just don't deceive me
And please believe me when I say I love you

I'm sure if it's right at the time
To do what you're saying
And if you have to
And if he has to
Then I'm not blaming you

En el alma se me fue
Se me fue el corazon
Ya no puedo mas vivir
Porque no te puedo convencer
Que no te vendas Roxanne

[rough translation: In the soul was to me was to me the heart No longer I can but live Because I cannot convince to you That you do not sell Roxanne to you]

(Roxanne) Why does my heart cry?
(You don't have to put on that red light)
(Roxanne) Feelings I can't fight
(You don't have to wear that dress tonight)
Roxanne (Why does my heart cry?)
You don't have to put on that red light
Roxanne (Feelings I can't fight)
You don't have to wear that dress tonight
Roxanne
Roxanne
Roxanne

she's got a bottle of tequila and a bottle of gin

there's just nothing that says it better than a counting crows quote...

so first of all, who has thankgiving without mashed potatoes? i mean honestly.... it's gonna be awhile before i get over this one. my favorite meal of the year and my favorite dish was missing. super.

second of all, just when you think you've got your finances under control... i found out my parents health insurance plan won't cover me as a graduate student anymore. so i have to purchase a student health plan. it's really very reasonable and whatnot, but it's still a large chunk of cash i wasn't planning to spend.

AND i shut my computer down wednesday night and i won't go back on. i was on the phone with dell support for an hour today. i took apart my laptop and put it back together. i hooked up an external monitor to try it. still nothing. i get a power light, a fan, and a black screen. what the....

so they think it's the video card and i have to call monday and find out the cost and mail it in to be fixed. meanwhile, i have an 18 page research paper due on thursday that i was about a third of the way done with and i now have to start over. shoot me in the head.

so i won't be online for a few weeks. and email and blogging will be few and far between. so call me if ya need me. or just want to cheer me up. i'm going shopping. then maybe for a drink. ugh.

Looking Back...

1995

1996

1997

1998

1999

chi-town

highlights of the weekend...

-4 chicago bars with no cover charges
-free street parking by wrigley field
-crystal and kristy leaving us and going to a bar across the street to sit down (uh, what the?...)
-crystal saying "i didn't know you guys were going to be bouncing from bar to bar, i wouldn't have come, i didn't sign up for this"... and kira subsequently telling her never to come over again
-kari getting in willis' face for calling kira names
-kari's conversation with some random guy as the irish bar was closing:
RG: "i'm just telling you, we're going back to my place to do some jagerbombs and then going out again, just telling you"
K: "cool, high five"
RG: "i'm not inviting you or anything, i'm just saying. i mean, i don't want you to think i'm inviting you back to my place or anything. i'm just telling you."
-renaming willis "shorty mcfly" because he's pint sized and thought he was so cool in his 80's looking vest
-willis telling me i have a cute nose, kari saying her nose is big, and willis telling her "no, if you had any different nose your face would look like a pimple"
-mike going on and on asking us "why do you girls still live in libertyville?"
-kari, kira and i dancing like it was going out of style
-chicago style pizza in the middle of the night
-golden angel restaurant for breakfast

the winds are changing

they put the snowflakes up on the lightposts with red and green light cover all down state street. we can't hide. it's coming.

and you know, i do love christmas. the whole season of it. the lights, the evergreens, the decor, the carols... just the whole festivity is wonderful, i can't help but be in a good mood. at christmas time, i even like the snow. but over the past few years i've come to love fall, and i'm just not sure i'm ready to say goodbye yet. does anyone else feel like they have tons of great fall clothes left that they haven't worn this season?

and i love the city all the time, all year, all day. but i do so love the city at night, and i do so, so love the city at christmas.

On The Road

"But then they danced down the streets like dingledodies, and I shambled after as I've been doing all my life after people who interest me, because the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never say yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars..."

(Jack Kerouac, On The Road)

subtitles

these days i feel like i'm watching a movie
with subtitles only i can't read the words
you do your best to make sure i understand you
but these foreign topics always seem so absurd

and more and more i find i don't get the meaning
but i do appreciate your likeable appeal
you say you're trying to drive us in the right direction
but i get the feeling you're falling asleep at the wheel

so don't tell me you will, when you know that you won't
don't say that you do, when you know that you don't
cause the more than you give, the less that i get
and the more that you share is the more i regret

cause i don't have much to believe it
that's why i'm always counting on you
i don't have much to believe in
but what if i did you know i'd be doing it for you

these days i feel like i'm talking to no one
it's cause i'm usually not
i keep pushing to a brand new beginning
but you can't release when i haven't been caught

you keep saying that i'm just gettin stranger
that you don't even know what i stand for these days
i'd like to say don't worry we'll work through it
but i get the feeling that this isn't just a phase

so don't tell me to yell, when you want me to whisper
don't spin the bottle if you don't want to kiss her
cause the closer we get, the further i feel
and the less that we fake, well the more that seems real

cause i don't have much to believe it
that's why i'm always counting on you
i don't have much to believe in
but what if i did you know i'd be doing it for you

(eric hutchinson)

the "F" in me (as in, INFP)

my dear roomie k and i realized tonight that we use the phrase "i feel as if..." to start most sentences. other people seem to think this is odd. we feel as if it's normal. :)

i realized tonight why. we're poets. to most of the world the appropriate sentence starter would be "i think..." but not to us. we don't think things. we feel them.

How the thinking woman survives...

[She] devotes [her] life to what [she] thinks [she] can live with:
letters, anyone [she] thinks [she] could love, water,
nights that howl, music, plants, a poem.
(jack ridl)

so... i changed all the 'he' to 'she'. i think this excerpt from jack's poem is my new motto. and as i've been reciting it over and over in my head i've been making a mental list of the things i think i can live with. so here it is, more or less. my very own version (it's a little longer than jack's poem...)

she devotes her life to what she thinks she can live with:
letters, anyone she thinks she could love, lemonade
and iced tea in glass pitchers, the city at night,
a coffee colored kitchen, coffee, the smell of autumn
and smoke filled chimneys, warm rain, sunshine,
beaches at sunset, mountains at sunrise, pine trees,
poetry, good pens, candles, change from foreign currencies,
vintage luggage, jazz music, acoustic music, music with
poetic lyrics, thunderstorms and heat lightning, pitchers
of beer with friends, cocktails, fresh baked cookies,
sweatpants, lots of pillows, fuzzy blankets and someone
to share them with, christmas lights, christmas carols,
christmas trees, christmas, the first snow, the first robin, the first
fall leaf, a last call of the day, cute kids, chinese food, baseball,
a favorite team, pizza picnics on the carpet, family,
road trips, canoeing, cookouts, paper umbrellas,
reading in bed, black and white photos, homemade gifts,
quotes, scrapbooks, personalized checks, change jars,
drunk phone calls, european ice cream, teaching,
living for today, hope for tomorrow, dancing,
singing in the shower, singing in the car, singing
on the el with your headphones on and not
realizing everyone can hear you, reunions, solitude,
community, making impulse decisions, the absence
of regret, love, a poem.

the half-space complex

why is it that we are confined to such a routine of space? for instance, even though many teachers/professors do not assign seating for a class, people sit in generally the same place everytime. sometimes it's because people are sitting by friends, true. but often it's merely habit.

i know if i go to a friend's house for dinner, i always wait to see where they want me to sit. because one chair is the guest chair. and everyone in the family has a place. 'no, don't sit there, that's dad's chair'. it was the same in my house too. growing up, i always sat on the side of the table facing out the window because i liked to look into the backyard, even in the winter when the leaves couldn't block the setting sun. my mom sat to my right, the side of the table closest to the kitchen counters and stove where she could get up to grab things as needed. my dad sat across from me, and my sister and/or brothers and/or guests sat to my left. always.

i bring this up because i've noticed this odd habit in my sleeping. until recently i've slept in a twin bed. you can't really pick a side in a twin. i suppose you can either hug the wall or the edge, but that switched according to whether i was feeling cold and cozy or hot and sticky. now i sleep in a full size bed (larger than a twin, smaller than a queen). i sleep with two regular pillows, two decorative down pillows, a body pillow, a squishy mogu pillow (from my roomie k!) and a teddy bear (that i've been sleeping with since 5th grade and he's looking a little ragged these days...)

despite the pillow company, i have much more space than am used to. especially since all these pillows also lived in my tiny college bunks for the last four years! you'd think now i'd be sprawled out, sleeping diagonally, alternating sides at the very least. yet i find i sleep on the left (if you lie on your back facing the ceiling). closest to the nightstand, clock, cell phone on the floor, pile of poetry books... makes sense i suppose, somewhat. but it's not like a king sized bed. i could easily roll over and hit the snooze even from the right side.

i know my parents each had their own side of their king sized bed. mom on the left, dad the right. each near their own respective dresser/nightstand. and now, though still young and single and sleeping quite alone in a full sized bed, i sleep on the left, always. with my body pillow generally occupying the right side.

is this habit engrained in us our whole lives? are the habits of choosing a space in class, a chair at the table, a side of the bed all really in preparation for sharing our lives with a spouse later on? am i subconciously sleeping on the left side of the bed so as to leave space for someone to eventually occupy the right side?

i think tonight i'll sleep on my back, limbs spread out, making 'snow angels' in the sheets, using my whole space, my whole self...

Rock the Vote!

well... tomorrow's V-day as it may be (and i DON'T mean national singles awareness day) and i'm surprised how excited i am. partly because i'm sick of hearing people rant and rave about their favorite candidate, sick of the division an election creates among a country, sick of people telling me who i SHOULDN'T vote for and why, and no one being able to give me the real story, unbiased, side-by-side, issue-by-issue. i've learned that it's impossible to agree 100% with a candidate, but it's important to become as informed as you can. to consider every side of every story. to make decisions to the best of your ability based on who you agree with most...

since i have close friends and family who have been very vocal about both sides of the election, i feel the need to take my mom's example and not share publicly who i'm voting for. but i am eager to get up tomorrow and vote for the first time ever. (last election, while i was old enough, i didn't register right away, didn't get an absentee ballot, didn't vote.) at the time i felt like i had no right to vote because i didn't understand politics, didn't really care, didn't know anything about any of the candidates. but my perspective has switched a little since. maybe it's because i've studied abroad. maybe it's because of the events of the past few years (sept 11th, the war in iraq, etc). maybe it's the strong opinions of so many close friends forcing me to be at least a little politically aware. maybe i'm just growing up (God i hope not...)

whatever the reason, first thing tomorrow i'm going to walk across the lawn (how convienient is THAT?) and vote. are you?