a new tune

last night, i pulled damien rice out of my stereo and put him on the shelf. it's all i've been sleeping to for months. maybe even close to a year. occasionally i've popped in counting crows, coldplay, death cab, whatever. but only for a night or so. but now i'm switching it up, putting mr rice away for awhile, pulling out a great old standby i had nearly forgotten.

Do What You Have To Do
by Sarah McLachlan

What ravages of spirit
conjured this temptuous rage
created you a monster
broken by the rules of love
and fate has lead you through it
you do what you have to do
and fate has led you through it
you do what you have to do ...

and I have the sense to recognize that
I don't know how to let you go
every moment marked
with apparitions of your soul
I'm ever swiftly moving
trying to escape this desire
the yearning to be near you
I do what I have to do
the yearning to be near you
I do what I have to do
but I have the sense to recognize

that I don't know how
to let you go
I don't know how
to let you go

a glowing ember
burning hot
burning slow
deep within I'm shaken by the violence
of existing for only you

I know I can't be with you
I do what I have to do
I know I can't be with you
I do what I have to do
and I have sense to recognize but
I don't know how to let you go
I don't know how to let you go
I don't know how to let you go

just couldn't pick one...

quiz time.

Your dating personality profile:

Liberal - Politics matters to you, and you aren't afraid to share your left-leaning views. You would never be caught voting for a conservative candidate.
Big-Hearted - You are a kind and caring person. Your warmth is inviting, and your heart is a wellspring of love.
Adventurous - Just sitting around the house is not something that appeals to you. You love to be out trying new things and really experiencing life.


Your Top Ten Traits

1. Liberal
2. Big-Hearted
3. Adventurous
4. Romantic
5. Religious
6. Funny
7. Intellectual
8. Practical
9. Wealthy/Ambitious
10. Shy


Your date match profile:

Religious - You seek someone who is grounded in faith and who possesses religious values. You believe that a religious person can enhance your life.
Adventurous - You are looking for someone who is willing to try new things and experience life to its fullest. You need a companion who encourages you to take risks and do exciting things.
Big-Hearted - You want someone compassionate, someone gentle and kind. A loving, nurturing person will fill that hole in your life.


Your Top Ten Match Traits

1. Religious
2. Adventurous
3. Big-Hearted
4. Practical
5. Funny
6. Outgoing
7. Athletic
8. Conservative
9. Sensual
10. Intellectual


Take the Online Dating Profile Quiz at Dating Diversions

can i just be ultra candid for a minute here?

i got this nifty little card in the mail from victoria's secret the other day for a freea Angels lace panty of my choice (within certain style/color limits, of course). i got a similiar card about a month ago for a free very sexy thong. whoever put me on this freebie mailing list, thank you! so anyway, i went to the store and the card was also good for $10 off any Angels bra, which i figured i'd skip cause that involves spending money. but then i started looking around and finding lots of great things, some of which weren't terribly expensive with my $10 off! so i came home with free Angels panties and the most comfortable bra i've ever worn. but can i just ask... when the heck did i go up a bra size?!? i knew i'd gone from a 34 to a 36 over the years, and that some of my older ones were getting a bit small. i've gotten rid of a few recently. but when did i go up a cup size?? that rumor about being on the pill making your boobs grow... not a rumor. oy.

was today a holiday?

what a weird but good thanksgiving... i got up, showered, and put on warm up pants, a tshirt, and a hoodie. then my sister came over, with my brother-in-law, two adorable nephews, and wrigley (the greatest big dog ever). :)

we spent the whole day watching football, playing with the kids, and cooking. yes, me. cooking. turkey and mashed potatoes and stuffing and corn and cranberries and rolls and two pies. (we ate one pie before dinner. the turkey was taking a long time...) i think i took like 3 naps today. talk about a holiday.

it was so nice and relaxing. and great to spend thanksgiving with the people i am MOST thankful for. but it was kind of weird not to see my whole extended family, not to get dressed up and catch up with cousins and have a million little kids running around and a million people helping in the kitchen. tradition is a weird thing. especially when it changes.

one thing that will never change--it's thanksgiving night and i'm so full i swear i won't eat tomorrow. i think i gained 5 pounds today. oy. and kari and i just finished watching chicago, and now it's time for bed. some of us in the real world have to work tomorrow. yuck. i wish thanksgiving still lasted all weekend. oh well. thankful for a good day and hoping for a good night of sleep. gobble gobble.

happy RENT day! :)

RENT comes out in theatres today, and I could not be more excited. It's one of those movies I'm know I'm gonna see multiple times in the theatre with different friends, and I know I'm gonna buy it as soon as it's on DVD. So good. :)

I'm not sure how I feel about this quiz telling me I'm Collins. I was sort of hoping for sexy Mimi or Maureen. But as far as personality description goes, I guess this is pretty accurate for me. Realy accurate, actually. And Collins likes boys. I like boys. So it's all good I guess.


Collins

Which Character from Rent are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

http://postsecret.blogspot.com

i found this on the post secret website and it broke my heart.
please don't let this be my life...

La vie Boheme! -RENT-

To days of inspiration
Playing hookie, making something out of nothing
The need to express, to communicate,
To going against the grain,
Going insane, going mad

To loving tension, no pension
To more than one dimension,
To starving for attention,
Hating convention, hating pretension
Not to mention of course,
Hating dear old mom and dad

To riding your bike
Midday past the three-piece suits
To fruits to no absolutes
To Absolute- to choice
To the Village Voice
To any passing fad

To being an us for once, instead of a them
La vie Boheme

To hand-crafted beers made in local breweries
To yoga, to yogurt, to rice and beans and cheese
To leather, to dildos, to curry vindaloo
To huevos rancheros and Maya Angelou

Emotion, devotion, to causing a commotion
Creation, vacation
Mucho masturbation

Compassion, to fashion, to passion when it's new
To Sontag, to Sondheim
To anything taboo

Ginsberg, Dylan, Cunningham and Cage
Lenny Bruce, Langston Hughes
To the stage

To Uta, To Buddha
Pablo Neruda, too

Why Dorothy and Toto went over the rainbow
To blow off Auntie Em
La vie Boheme

Bisexuals, trisexuals, homo sapiens,
Carcinogens, hallucinogens, men, Pee Wee Herman
German wine, turpentine, Gertrude Stein
Antonioni, Bertolucci, Kurosawa
Carmina Burana

To apathy, to entropy, to empathy, ecstasy
Vaclav Havel - The Sex Pistols, 8BC,
To no shame - never playing the Fame Game
To marijuana

To sodomy, it's between God and me
To S & M
La vie Boheme

To Dance!
No way to make a living, masochism, pain, perfection
Muscle spasm, chiropractors, short careers, eating disorders

Film!
Adventure, tedium, no family, boring locations
Dark rooms, perfect faces, egos, money, Hollywood and sleaze

Music!
Food Of Love, emotion, mathematics, isolation
Rhythm, feeling, power, harmony, and heavy competition

Anarchy!
To revolution, justice, screaming for solutions
Forcing changes, risk, and danger, making noise and making pleas

To faggots, lezzies, dykes, cross dressers too

To me, to me, to me
To you, and you, and you you and you

To people living with, living with, living with
Not dying from disease

Let he amoung us without sin be the first to condemn
La vie Boheme

Anyone out of the mainstream
Is anyone in the mainstream?
Anyone alive with a sex drive
Tear down the wall, aren't we all
The opposite of war isn't peace
It's creation
La vie Boheme

Viva La vie Boheme!

time to dig out my scarf, hat, and gloves.

so it snowed all day yesterday. first snow of the season. but it didn't stick, so it's not like it was pretty or anything. just windy and bitter cold and smearing all over my windshield. i thought my legs were going to fall off walking the 2 blocks from my car to school. and my car door froze shut. twice. i had to yank with all my weight to open it. brrrr. thank God for giant vanilla lattes on the way to class.

where did autumn go? it's my favorite and it goes too fast. i haven't even had any apple cider yet. haven't gone apple picking. haven't taken a walk in the woods with the beautiful leaves. and they're gone now. i swear it was the most colorful i've ever seen lake county. come back autumn, i didn't get to enjoy you enough yet.

but i am excited for christmas. decorations and carols and tv specials and presents. it's just so COLD! you know what would make this frigid time of year better? my homemade fleece and t-shirt camp blanket, a wood burning fireplace, and a cute boy. maybe even some hot tea and a book of poems. yeah. that would be nice.

confessions:

*sometimes i just run the straightener over my hair in the morning instead of showering.
*i only do laundry when i run out of underwear.
*owning lots of poetry books makes me feel more like a poet, even if i hardly read them.
*i can't sleep to silence.
*when i take off my clothes at the end of the night, i throw them on the floor so i can spray febreze and sniff them later to see if i can rewear them.
*i don't bite my nails, i bite the skin around them. sometimes until they bleed.
*i like to sleep in just boy short underwear.
*my right foot is bigger than my left, and my left boob is bigger than my right.
*i forget to brush my teeth sometimes when i don't have a boy to kiss.
*when the skin on my feet gets dry, i peel at them without realizing i'm doing it.
*i haven't shaved my legs in a week.
*i sing in the shower, and in my car.
*sometimes i substitute coffee for breakfast and diet coke for dinner.

kudos to you if you read this whole thing... guess i needed to rant.

there are way too many thoughts running through my head on any given day. i swear i wish there were a tape recorder up there. cause i had so many profound thoughts in the midst of my funk today and i'm sure i'm going to screw it all up now.

rinse lather repeat. that's how i feel today. get up, do my hair, do my makeup, and for what? for who? sit at work, stare at the screen, pass the time and eat the candy from the giant basket on my desk. drive. sit in traffic. curse the rain. kill time before class. class. drive. and 13.5 hours later i'm home, exhausted, ready to putz around online, watch tv, and go to bed. only to do it all again. rinse. lather. repeat.

there's got to be more to it, right? i don't understand people who spend their whole lives doing shit jobs that they hate. people with no friends, no hobbies, no extracurricular activities. some days, like today, i get in a mood and i just feel like i'm wasting my life away, waiting for the next best thing, waiting for life to get "good". but it's not all bad, really. i have friends, we hang out alot. my family is close and i get to spend time with them too. my job isn't the best, but the people i work with are cool (except on days like today when i'm alone in the office). and school can be tedious, but it can also be really enriching. still, i have this desire for more.

sometimes i wonder if i'll ever feel satisfied. on one hand, only fools are satisfied. if i allow myself to be satisfied, i might stop striving for more. i might get in a rut. i might become too comfortable for my own good and stop growing as a person. but it sure would be nice to just feel content for a little while. or at least partially content. content and satisfied with SOME aspect of my life. i guess i do, sort of. my friends here in chicago are really fantastic and i'm loving spending time with them. basically any point of my day that i'm NOT hanging out with my friends is just mediocre.

and even then, so my friends are the best part of my life right now. but isn't that even a little... trivial? i know it's not, but what is my time with my friends doing for the world? i want to change the world, i want to impact lives, i want to give something back, i want to make a difference. (nothing like shooting for the moon here, eh?) for a few minutes in my car today i sort of felt guilty about having such a good time with my friends. almost like the pleasure of it was sinful. who am i to spend my time drinking at the bar and going to sports game and movies and concerts with my friends, laughing and having a grand ol' time, when there are people in the world who don't have the capacity for pleasure? shouldn't i be doing something more for the world?

but of course, God wants me to be happy. i really do believe he is pleased with me and my life, and likes seeing me have fun with my friends. isn't that what it's all about? love? isn't that the point of life? i think so.

but where is God in my life anyway? i think i forget how to pray. the past few times i've been to church, and even just gone INTO a church with a friend, it feels so good. peaceful. right. i desire that community so badly. i just don't know how to get there for myself. it feels too far away.

back to love... i feel like this is a movie quote, but i can't figure out what it's from: "why do we think falling in love is going to be so great? maybe because it is." am i making this up, or does it sound familiar to anyone else? and i do have love, from my family and so so many friends who i'm grateful for. why isn't that ever enough for me? why do i want more so badly?

i've learned that i'm a community oriented person. i want the church community. the dance community. the writing community. i want to feel a part of something. i so look forward to being a professor and creating a safe space in my classroom for people to share their writing and their lives. i want to connect with people and help them connect with each other. and being in a community with the other teachers, with an area church, who knows what else. but will that be enough? i still have to go home at the end of the day. i hope i find someone to go home to.

i want to enjoy my life here and now. i hate feeling like i'm waiting for my life to begin, because my life is HERE. this is it. the only chance i've got. how can i waste even a single second of it? i want to love this transitional phase as much as what comes next.

hm, well that's a convienient quiz response

You Should Get an MFA (Masters of Fine Arts)

You're a blooming artistic talent,
even if you aren't quite convinced.
You'd make an incredible artist,
photographer, or film maker.
What Advanced Degree Should You Get?

i always expect nothing, but hope for everything

well, cool. now what?

you know the new commercials for the cell phones with itunes? where the people are going about their daily lives, listening to music, but their shadow/reflection is dancing like a mad crazy person?... that's kind of how i feel all the time. except usually it's just the music in my head, and while i look like i'm just going about my day, in my head i'm dancing like a mad crazy person.

thin walls

i think my neighbors upstairs are having a star wars marathon. i know this because their tv is directly above my desk and they play it VERY loud. we can always tell what they're watching. at least they have good taste (old school, anchorman, harry potter, star wars...) right now i'm listening to a light saber fight. further ranting about my loud neighbors will come in a later post.

this afternoon i almost popped in episode I with the intention of next watching episode II, then renting episode III and proceeding to watch IV, V and VI after that. i did my homework instead. but i still haven't seen episode III, and it's been since the theaters that i watched I and II. so who's up for a star wars marathon?