a little love. a little mess. a little change.

i spent the weekend printing poetry anthologies. i used an entire black ink cartridge. (i actually still have 4 more to print, but i need more ink first.) now i have a big stack of beautiful white paper separated by blue cardstock covers. so crisp. so much to be stapled. so much to be folded. but it feels good, ya know? like those nights in college hammering a nail through packets of paper and vellum so i could bind my chapbooks with leather, or cords. cutting page edges til my fingers blistered. a labor of love. gifts for the poets, from the poets. this is the good stuff.

feeling a little less stressed out, thanks to some positive job leads and some nearly complete poetry anthologies. however, feeling more stressed out due to the amount of things i have to get done this week--work at the office, work at the pool, take heavy boxes of books to the post office, staple these books, get my haircut, fix my bike, finish reading my mark twain, type up questions for class, catch the 6:45am train on friday...

i'm glad it was a 3 day weekend, but right about now i'm wishing it weren't just a 4 day week! why is it sometimes the days go by so slowly, but the weeks go by so fast?... for now all i can do is check things off my list. try to clean up this mess. keep plowing ahead for the next big thing. waiting for the next big change.

i think i'm stressed out.

my new cd.

I've been watching your world from afar,
I've been trying to be where you are,
And I've been secretly falling apart,
I'll see.
To me, you're strange and you're beautiful,
You'd be so perfect with me but you just can't see,
You turn every head but you don't see me.

I'll put a spell on you,
You'll fall asleep and I'll put a spell on you.
And when I wake you,
I'll be the first thing you see,
And you'll realize that you love me.

Yeah...
Yeah...

-Aqualung.Strange & Beautiful-

one minute i've got it all figured out, and the next i swear i don't have a clue.

adler park pool has water. the mushroom fountain is on. hello summer. :)

working my way into the literary world

add one more publication to my curriculum vitae!

http://www.roosevelt.edu/michiganavenuereview/

(complete with bio and photo) :)

Catalyst, Anna Nalick

L.A. lights never shine quite as bright as in the movies
Still wanna go
'Cause something here
In the way, in the way that we're constantly moving
Reminds you of home
So you're taking these pills
For to fill up your soul
And you're drinking them down with cheap alcohol
And I'd be inclined to be yours for the taking
And part of this terrible mess that you're making
But me, I'm the catalyst

When you say love is a simple chemical reaction
Can't say I agree
Cuz my chemical, yeah, left me a beautiful disaster
Still love's all I see

So I'm taking these pills for to fill up my soul
And I'm drinking them down with cheap alcohol
And you'd be inclined to be mine for the taking
And part of this terrible mess that I'm making
But you, you're the catalyst

You'll be the vein
You'll be the pain
You'll be the scar
You'll be the road, rolling below
The wheels of a car
And all of the thoughts, oh god
Don't know if I'm strong enough now
You'll be the vein
You'll be the pain
You'll be the
Catalyst

These L.A. lights, no no,
They don't shine quite as bright as back in Frisco
Do you wanna go?
Still wanna go

standing on a very thin fence

A person has to get out of his head, has to fall in love, has to memorize poems, has to jump off bridges into rivers, has to stand in an empty desert and whisper... Every person has to leave, has to change like the seasons; they have to or they will die. It might be time for you to go. It might be time to change, to shine out. Leave.

-Donald Miller from "Through Painted Deserts"

(special thanks to matt nickel for this wonderful quote. it IS my life right now.)

of course it would rain today....

last workshop at roosevelt tonight. weird. i can't believe i've been a student there for two years. and even though i still have one lit class this summer, and a thesis to finish up, it's kind of like i'm done. i won't see the same MFA students or profs all summer. i won't take the EL into the city for class. i won't watch the sunset over lake michigan and buckingham fountain during workshop. i've had a good experience at RU. my writing has certainly improved, and i think i have as well. but i can't help thinking i could have gotten more out of it. walked away with stronger friendships. it felt like a great community all along, and yet i was never really in it. if that makes any sense. i was part of the in-class community, but missed out on the out-of-class part. and i'm sad that now it's time to go.

in other news, pretty sure the ceiling above my shower is about to start falling down in flakes. the lack of ventilation in the bathroom means lots of condensation on the dry wall ceiling everytime we shower. tonight there were large drops hanging and falling, and the ceiling looks like it's cracking and wrinkling. i'm afraid there might be some serious repair needed, and possibly a whole new shower wall/ceiling piece. oh the joys of the real world.

it's may and that means my calendar shows charles bridge, prague at sunset with an orange sky. love it.

all week i've been getting home at 10pm and finding i have alot to do. i'll be grateful next week when i don't have class and can get home before dinner for a change. (i'm sure grateful will turn into bored very quickly)

i get to see a cute boy tomorrow. and i'm excited. i think he is too.

i'm thinking about making myself some dinner in a minute. it's 11:46pm.

a creepy man sat next to me on the EL last night. it was the first time i've ever felt scared/unsafe in chicago. tonight i was a little on edge, being overly paranoid about the people around me. i'm glad this happened my last week here. i've felt so comfortable otherwise and really enjoyed my time on the EL reading/listening to my ipod/thinking/dozing. i'm glad it wasn't ruined for me sooner. to make matters worse, i think i was freaked after it happened and left my ipod running. today when i got on the EL it was dead. no music for me on my last night.

tummy is rumbling. eyelids are shutting. time to go.

deja vu

remember college graduation? and how everyone kept asking "what are you going to do next?" like you're supposed to have all the answers, and have your whole life figured out before you get there. you know what? life doesn't work that way.

and you know what else? it doesn't get easier the next time around. this week i'm finishing my spring semester at roosevelt. i have one more poetry workshop and one nonfiction workshop and i'll be on to summer. which means no more workshops. i have a lit class in june, and a thesis due august 1st (although, all the poems are written, and the draft is due june 1st.) september 1st, exactly 4 months from today, i will officially have an MFA in creative writing. i'm graduating again.

just like last time, everyone keeps asking "and then what?" like i should have it all figured out. truth is... i don't have a clue. i have no regrets about the last 2 years (except maybe i should have gone to a school that provided funding and not just loans...) but really, roosevelt has been great, and living back home has really helped me strengthen some old friendships and spend quality time with family. especially my nieces and nephews. but if i had gotten into a school on the other side of the country, i would have gone there instead. and how different would my life have been?

i don't know what comes next, but i do know this. i'm good at alot of things, and i'm a quick learner. i could be happy working in a wide variety of jobs. but i know i need contact with other people, and i need something to keep me busy so i get really invested in what i am doing and can get excited about it. beyond that? not a clue. i know i don't want to teach this year. maybe next fall, or the fall after i will apply for teaching positions. right now i need a break. i need to make some cash and take some steps toward being an independent non-student.

while living in libertyville has been great, i don't want to be stuck here for the rest of my life. and being in the city for class every week makes me feel grown up and independent. but being around here makes me feel like i'm still a college student. i'm in limbo. i'm not really in the real world. i need some kind of change, which i'm generally not a big fan of. but i can't help feeling that if i had never moved home after hope, i'd have the whole world in front of me to choose from. and being here just makes me feel a little stuck again. like i should have my whole life figured out and it should all be here. but i don't want that.

major life decision time. again. and i'm trying to open that door that puts the whole world in front of me. and maybe i'll make some mistakes along the way, but that's life, right? i just want to live every day of it. now what do i choose?