inspired by bethany, who admitted to rereading old blog posts... i just went back and skimmed through some fall 2004 entries, when i first started this thing. i used to post a lot! and pretty reflective things, too. i'd like to get back in that habit. i find i don't write much anymore, and it makes me sad. i'm supposed to be a writer.
i've always known this about myself: i'm not very self-motivated. despite all my best efforts to get up in the morning and run/write/go to church/go to the farmers market/read my bible/sit on the porch with breakfast... i usually end up lying in bed, watching tv, playing on the internet, etc. so when i'm not in a writing class, i find it difficult to write.
i have a graduate degree in poetry. i have a 96 page book, my thesis, full of poetry that i wrote mainly in grad school (a few older pieces that i revised). since finishing grad school, i have written 5 poems. yes, 5 poems in the last.... 15 months. that's pathetic. what kind of poet am i?
a lazy one. that's what. and i don't like it much. but it's hard when i'm teaching 2 classes and working 30 hours a week at the cafe. when i'm not AT work, i'm preparing for class, grading papers, or exhausted.
and i have a problem with sitting around too much. if i don't have plans with people, i feel like all i can do is sit around the apartment. this is not true.
summer of 2005 i studied in prague for a month. i went by myself. and until i made friends during weeks two/three, i spent a lot of time alone. i wandered the city. i sat and wrote or read. i went to museums and churches. i explored. why don't i do that now? just because i live in chicago doesn't mean i can't get out and walk around and enjoy it. chicago is huge. there are loads of neighborhoods i haven't yet visited. and there's more to do than just eat out and go to bars. i've been to all the major musuems, but what about the smaller ones? the modern arts museum. chicago history museum. etc. and there are tons of beautiful churches i haven't been in. and neighborhoods i haven't walked through. i need to just get off at a random el stop with my digital camera, notebook, and pen... and explore. i need to sit in coffee shops... and write. whether it's on here, or in a notebook, or typing, or whatever.
the cafe i work at is actually part of a new cultural center. i teach tap there also. and today the director talked to me about a new project. she wants to start a Boocoo publication. a monthly newspaper. and she's gathering the small group of writers and individuals at Boocoo who might be interested in helping edit/write/etc. i'm excited for this possibility. for now, it will all be on a volunteer basis. so this won't be earning me extra money or anything. but being involved will look good on a resume. AND it will be fun, and fulfilling, and will hopefully get me writing again in some capacity.
i'm so busy the first half of my week, and the second half i crash. and in the midst of the crash i start to feel lonely and cold and boring. i think what i'm missing is more time with friends. often i attribute my loneliness to the lack of a man in my life, which i think is part of it, but i think more time with friends in general would fill the majority of that void. and i think it's more than the lack of friend time. i think it's the lack of art time. writing. poetry. reading. photography. etc. i think my "me" time has been lazily spent. my change in location and jobs only helps so much. i think i need to bring myself the rest of the way in my quest for a fulfilling 25th year of life.
slowly but surely. i'm figuring it all out. i'm getting there.
Labels: boocoo, career, poetry, writing
